Smoking Women

Will they stop at nothing? Could they be any more indiscriminate? Rather than going out of business, tobacco companies continue to sell cigarettes, but it gets even worse. According to a recent study from Harvard University's School of Public Health, cigarette manufacturers led a determined effort to sell cigarettes ...to WOMEN!.
This groundbreaking discovery was made after researchers sifted through seven million industry documents made public following the 1998 tobacco settlement. They found that tobacco companies tried to make cigarettes more appealing to women. Alterations of the size, shape, flavor, and packaging were some of the ideas considered. Those of us outside of academia respond with a resounding, "Duh!" Perhaps some researchers need to get out of the library a little more often.
This is an example of a great problem in higher education today: over-specialization. There is such a vast reserve of knowledge within any discipline, that it is nearly impossible for a student to be proficient in more than one. Hence, Marketing is a foreign language to Medical Students. Political Science Majors have no concept of Business or Economics. Statisticians can't get a date.
Remember first that the tobacco industry, despite the negative health aspect, is still a legal industry. It is a big mistake to judge whether a salesperson is decent and upright, based on the morality of their product. We often forget this universal truth: that salespeople are always sleazy. Whether they are selling health insurance, or crack; soliciting donations for a charity, or selling timeshares; the MO of a salesperson is always the same: appealing to your weaker nature in order to earn themselves a generous commission on a transaction.
Fragrances and flavors have long been altered to appeal to the gentler sex. Tab® was the first diet soda produced by the Coca-Cola® company, and I think it was no accident that the color of the can was pink, and the flavor not as bitter as their flagship product, Coke®. Lite beer and wine coolers were made for those who found the taste of regular beer too overwhelming.
Whereas the Harvard study finds that a slimmer cigarette would be associated with a health benefit, it is also possible that it was designed fit more comfortably in a woman's hand. It is for this reason that pink razors are also molded to fit women more ergonomically.
Before WW II, tobacco was almost exclusively a men's product. When women went to work in the factories, they also learned the benefit of nicotine for making the mind alert, and repetitious labor seem a little more tolerable. By the fifties women were smoking in greater numbers than ever before. Cigarette manufacturers seized on this growing demographic by finding ways to pitch cigarettes to women. And it wasn't surreptitious either.
There was nothing more bold than the Virginia Slims® marketing campaign, which capitalized on the new fad that was sweeping the country, called feminism. The ads contrasted the differing societal impressions of women smoking between the 19th and 20th centuries They depicted what used to happen to women when they tried to enjoy a cigarette, and the triumph of finally having a brand of their very own. Women were congratulated on this success with the song, "You've Come a Long Way Baby! (To get where you've got to today! You've got your own cigarette now baby! You've come a long long way!)"
The ad captured the mood of early days of feminism, back when it was still considered cute. I'm quite certain that modern feminists would find the campaign demeaning. Never before in the history of any war, was liberation honored by calling the victors "Baby!" (Who's a big girl now?) If cigarette advertising was still legal, women's protests would have insured this commercial had been pulled decades ago.
Cigarette manufacturers, whose long history of using cowboys and race cars to market their product to one gender, had recognized that the other half of America could enjoy smoking too. But if feminists were really serious about equality, they really should have congratulated the tobacco companies for this appeal to diversity. I believe they should also go after the Harvard School of Public Health, for assuming that women are somehow more susceptible to marketing and advertising. That this study was even conducted, suggests a specific weakness among the female demographic, and a need for concentrated regulation to protect the particularly vulnerable.
Virginia Slims®, though still a popular brand, never quite delivered on the promise of modernity, sophistication, and liberation. In truth, they are the cigarette found most often in mobile home courts, and in raids of meth labs. As is the case with all television marketing, shiny promises of a new utopian life, that can be purchased for just a couple bucks, are rarely kept. Most of us know that, regardless of our gender.

The Real Story of Chicken Little™

ne fine spring day, Chicken Little awoke, and before going out for his morning seed, he looked outside his window. The snow on his roof was melting and the eaves were covered with long dripping icicles.
"Oh my gosh, the Earth is warming," he cried! I must tell someone.
Poor Chicken Little was less than a year old, and nobody ever told him that it got warmer every spring. He got on his motor scooter, and sped off down the road.
Henny Penny was outside pecking at seed. "Henny Penny, the earth is warming," cried Chicken Little! "I saw it! All the snow on my roof is melting!"
"Why, you're right, said Henny Penny." I thought it felt warmer today." Henny Penny was much older than Chicken Little and she could feel the weather in her bones. "We must tell someone!" They both got into Henny Penny's Corvette, and sped off down the road.
They drove down the road until they ran into Turkey Lurkey.
"Turkey Lurkey, the Earth is warming." they cried! "Chicken Little saw it, and Henny Penny felt it in her bones!"
"Nonsense," said Turkey Lurkey. "Why look here at my Turkey thermometer. It's as steady as a rock."
"But maybe it's warming so slow that we can't see it move," said Chicken Little.
"Well then, we'll do a scientific experiment."
He looked at the thermometer. It read 40 degrees. He then put the thermometer under his wing so nobody could see it, and pulled out his pocket watch. "We won't look at it for five minutes, and see if it has changed."
When he took it out from under his wing it was almost 100 degrees. "Oh my," said Turkey Lurkey, "It's warming at such a rapid rate, that it will be a thousand degrees in less than an hour if we don't do something."
So they all got into his Volvo station wagon, and went driving down the road at a very high rate.
They ran into Ducky Lucky. "Ducky Lucky, the Earth is warming," they cried! "Chicken Little saw it, Henny Penny felt it, and Turkey Lurkey proved it with science!"
"Well if we don't do something, we'll surely all be roasted," said Ducky Lucky. "That's what happens when birds get too warm, they all get roasted."
"Whatever will we do," they cried? "None of them had ever been roasted before, but it didn't sound very nice.
"We should tell the King," said Ducky Lucky! "Come on, we can all fit into my truck!" So they climbed into Ducky Lucky's truck and headed towards the palace.
Further down the road they met Foxy Woxy. "Foxy the Earth is warming," they all cried! "Chicken Little saw it, Henny Penny felt it, Turkey Lurkey proved it, and Ducky Lucky is certain that we'll all be roasted."
Foxy Woxy stroked his beard and thought for a while. He leaned his white paw on the hood of Ducky Lucky's truck. It was very warm. He looked at the truck, and looked at the birds and said.
"Why it's probably your cars that are causing the Earth to get warmer. I think you should stop driving right now."
The weren't sure if that made any sense. Foxy Woxy was not a scientist, but he was a recent graduate of the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard. He certainly had a much higher degree than any of them.
They got out of the truck. "But how will we get to see the King?"
"Don't worry about the King," said Foxy Woxy. "I'm good friends with him, I'll talk to him for you." He got into Ducky Lucky's Truck and drove off.
So Ducky Lucky, Turkey Lurkey, Henny Penny and Chicken Little all turned around and walked home. When they got home, they saw that Foxy Woxy had towed away, Turkey Lurkey's Volvo, Henny Penny's Corvette, And Chicken Little's Motor Scooter. "As long as it stops the Earth from warming" they all agreed.
The next day, there was a knock at Chicken Little's door. It was Foxy Woxy. "The King said that your wood stove is causing the Earth to get warmer too. He assigned me to gather up all your firewood to save us all from roasting."
"But what if it gets cold again," asked Chicken Little? "Certainly it is better to roast than to freeze."
But Foxy Woxy wouldn't hear of it. He gathered up all Chicken Little's firewood, and threw it into the back of Ducky Lucky's truck, which now had "Foxy, Woxy, and Associates" painted on the door. He drove on down the road and took all the firewood from Ducky Lucky, and Henny Penny, and Turkey Lurkey, as well. They wanted to ask if it was really on orders from the King, but because they now had no cars, they couldn't go anywhere. Still they agreed, it was better than roasting.
That night, there was a blizzard, and Ducky Lucky, Turkey Lurkey, Henny Penny, and Chicken Little all froze to death. The next morning, Foxy Woxy loaded them all into Ducky Lucky's truck, which had a new sign painted on the door, "Foxy, Woxy, and Associates. Purveyors of Firewood and Frozen Poultry."
And they ended up getting roasted after all.

© 2005 Tim Slagle