Hurricane Aftermath

I was in Florida a week ago, for the annual Slagle surfing retreat. I still haven't got the hang of the sport, but I delight in trying. I finally figured out why I'm no good at it too. Once a wave is caught, you have to stand up immediately. This is a problem. When I'm on the couch, and decide to stand up, it usually takes me at least two or three commercials before I'm vertical. Even then, straightening up takes a long time, accompanied with a lot of grunting.

Things were a little different around the surf break. Because of the recent hurricanes, it was declared a disaster area. Several hotels closed and aren't reopening until December. The Hilton parking lot was full of container-size dumpsters. I couldn't imagine how much damage was inside the hotel, that could generate that amount of trash. It was curious, since the little motel where I usually stay, just had a lot of sand kicked up, and a few ceiling tiles missing from under the picnic gazebo.

I also learned more about the Federal Emergency Management Administration while I was down there. A benefit I did not know existed, is something called, "Disaster Unemployment." This is a check you get, if you have been let off work because you're workplace is damaged from a declared disaster. (Of course, I wonder now if workers for the Kerry Campaign will be eligible for disaster benefits in a week.)

One night, I was talking to a bartender who had been receiving it. The bar had just reopened, and this was the first week she worked since early September. "You have to be looking for work to get it, but they never check," she said. "I actually got two job offers while I was off, but what sense does it make to start another job when I knew this place was going to reopen?"

An unemployed Hilton worked sitting at the bar joined into the conversation. " It's not just hurricane damage, we're going through a complete rehab right now too."

Hmmm. I wonder if any of the items that Mr. Hilton claims on his FEMA report were going to be replaced anyway? What a great way to upgrade all your mattresses cheap. It's also very nice that the Hotel won't have to pay any unemployment during the rehab. Such a nice coincidence this didn't occur during the busy season.

As for me, I was disappointed in the week for a number of reasons. I usually have the surf break all to myself while everybody else is at work. I can splash around in the waves all day, without ever having to worry that I might get in the way of the serious surfers. For those of you who might be unfamiliar with surf etiquette: imagine making snow angels in the middle of a ski run. It's much easier when there's not as many people skiing. You also have a lot less chance of getting punched out.

Well this week, the surf was unbelievably crowded all day long. Perhaps the reason for the crowds was the unusually good surfing conditions. But I lean towards another unsubstantiated speculation: the surfers were all blessed with more free time since their jobs were all on hiatus.

The other fly in the suntan oil: the Motel rates were considerably higher than I've been used to in previous years. Because October is the off-season, rooms are usually dirt cheap. Since construction and utility workers from all over the country have descended on Florida for the rebuilding, rooms were scarce. Meanwhile FEMA picks up hotel bills for out of state disaster workers, and FEMA is willing to pay top rack rate. The scarcity combined with FEMA's ability to pay the big cash, insured there were no discounts.

Perhaps the workers that were all being shipped in from around the country, had skills that these surfers did not have. But isn't it a wonderful system we have, that pays able-bodied kids to surf, and gives out of state workers free beach vacations?

Grieving Democrats II

Two men in Akron are captured on videotape destroying a Bush/Cheney sign, then relieving themselves on it.

In three Florida cities, and in Minneapolis, Republican headquarters were ransacked by a mobs of angry protesters. In one case a broken arm was reported

In Tennessee, and West Virginia shots were fired into GOP offices.

In Spokane a hole was punched through a wall, from a room where Union laborers were working, into GOP headquarters and a computer with sensitive information had been moved. Apparently a thwarted robbery. In Bellvue Washington, efforts were more successful, as a hard drive containing GOP databases was stolen. Where are today's Woodward and Bernstein to investigate these break-ins?

Well it looks like the Democrat Party has moved into the second stage of grief: anger. All over the country, people seem to be realizing that Bush is going to win again this year, and are acting out.

In Madison Wisconsin, bleach swastikas were burned into lawns around Bush/Cheney signs. Rather than make as statement about the GOP ticket, I feel that those vandals were unintentionally expressing their own leanings, as I've always found the American Left much closer to holding the political mindset the swastika once represented. Fascists were notorious for using violence to intimidate political opposition.

The next stage of grief is bargaining. I'm not sure how this will manifest itself into the political discourse. I fully expect my Liberal comedian friends to start rehashing the old chestnut: "As a comedian, I'm looking forward to another four years of Bush Cheney," the implication of course is, that it's far easier to write comedy with Republicans in office. I've started to see groups of people hanging out on street corners with Kerry/ Edwards signs, desparately trying to generate enthusiasm. Could this plea for votes be a form of bargaining?

The Elizabeth Kubler-Ross version of the bargaining phase, is when the aggrieved makes a deal with god, in hope of resuscitating the deceased. I can't really imagine millions of Leftists getting down on their knees, and promising god that in return for a Kerry upset, they will stop pretending to be atheists at the cocktail parties.

Riding on the City of Minot

I had the pleasure to work Minot last weekend. Minot North Dakota is known as "the Magic City" for after being selected as a junction for the Great Northern Railroad and the Soo Line, the city appeared overnight. It is still a popular stop along the Amtrak route for railroad personnel, because it is about sixteen hours out of Chicago, and there is about a twelve hour layover before the returning train comes into the station. That way, rail employees can work a double, sleep, and work another double on the way home to Chicago.

Airlines, companies that are not wholly subsidized and regulated by the federal government, companies that are committed to customer service, have hubs in cities that people like to visit, like Orlando and Las Vegas. Since Amtrak schedules are the result of pork barrel politics, the trains hub out of places like Minot North Dakota. There is also an Air Force Base there, so federal pork is obviously a favorite local dish.

Minot is a typical prairie town, with a population of 37,000 and is situated just 68 miles south of where Saskatchewan meets Manitoba. There is little to do there that doesn't involve drinking, especially for the men and women stationed at the Minot Air Force Base, so the big hotel in town brings in a couple comedians every week. This weekend, I worked with the lovely and talented Christina Irene. And an old friend, Bengt Washburn, who was performing at Minot State University that evening, stopped by for a cocktail after the show.

I love to do the gig because it's a gas taking the train. In no other form of transportation can you drink in a real bar, as the prairie speeds by your window. If you squint real hard, you can almost see Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint having dinner together.

So I get into Minot, and the North Dakota Library Association is having their annual convention right there a t the hotel where I'm playing. You couldn't pick a town more perfect than Minot, for a whole bunch of out of town Librarians to let their hair down, and get crazy.

After my show, a Canadian librarian from Cape Breton Nova Scotia came over to say "hi". I haven't gotten into a fight with an honest-to-god admitted socialist in quite some time. It was delightful. She was a woman of average height, and average build, and average looks. Every thing about her was incredibly average. She didn't wear make-up, to hide the constellation of freckles, but she looked like she spent great periods of time brushing her red hair repeatedly. I'm sure she believed that her longing to be pretty was just a residual imprint from growing up in a paternalistic society, where aesthetics are the sole measure of a woman's worth.

She told me that Canadian Healthcare is the envy of the world.

I said that it was inferior to the United States and she scoffed. I mentioned the high mortality rate in Quebec hospitals from a virulent form of diarrhea. Some Quebec hospitals cram forty patients at a time into a ward with one toilet, aggravating the infection rate. The bacteria responsible, C. Difficile, can be cured with a simple but expensive antibiotic. Unfortunately, because of the cost, budget conscious Canadian Health Officials use the medication sparingly, exacerbating the problem. She told me I shouldn't be trying to use made up facts with a librarian, because a librarian can easily prove me wrong. (Skeptical readers can verify my story here.)

I should add that there is no other health option in Canada. Single Payer means that everybody shares the same level of Healthcare. Places like the US and UK you have the ability to pay a little extra to opt out of a public hospital, or get into a private room. But if you live in Canada, and are admitted into a ward sharing a bathroom with forty other patients dying of screaming diarrhea, that's where you stay. Happy recovery!

I tried to explain to her that I have better health care, and pay less than she does. Here in the United States, taxes are far more reasonable, and I would speculate that she pays more in taxes than I do for health insurance. She admitted that the area where she lives has an eighteen percent sales tax, but it's worth it cause the health care is free. (Or at least appears that way).

I asked her, "If Canada is such a great place to live, why do people kill themselves so much? (This is one of my favorite statistics I found in researching my American Legislative Exchange Council article, "Is Europe Really Better?"). I mentioned that Canadians kill themselves at a rate 50% more than the US average, and in fact, a Canadian is twice as likely to take his own life as an American is to die from gun violence.

At this point she flipped. How dare I try to pull off such a deception on a LIBRARIAN? Then, she started complaining about America's fascination with guns, and told me that "In Canada, we don't have guns, so we don't have gun violence."

I said, "yeah, besides socialized medicine, you have something else in Canada that we don't have. Something that's quite popular in Canada, called 'home invasions'."

Bengt and Christina, who were half listening up until this point, turned to her and asked "What's a home invasion?"

For those of you who might not be aware of some of the more charming Canadian customs, home invasions are when a burglar waits until someone is home before breaking in. Rather than stumbling around in an empty house, Canadian burglars wait until you come home, so there's some company. It's always more fun to have someone there to smack around, and it's much easier to locate all the hidden valuables. Why go rooting around a dark house when all you have to do is threaten to rape and kill someone's wife and kids? With a little help from the homeowner, those valuables always turn up tut suite.

She admitted that yes, it was quite prevalent throughout the Canadian Provinces, but didn't see the connection between gun ownership and home invasions. "You don't have home invasions here?" she asked. " I don't believe that."

I cited Bengt and Christina's ignorance of the practice as proof of it's rarity in America. Even criminals aren't dumb enough to break into a house when a gun owner might be home.

She said, " I can't believe you keep trying to pass off all these lies on me. There is an Ultra High Speed Internet station set up in the NDLA exhibit hall. I'm going to go online tomorrow and bring you all the actual statistics for all the crazy things you've been saying. You shouldn't try to mess with a librarian.

I never saw her again.