There She Is

If Miss America is crowned, and there's nobody watching, does she still get to fulfill the duties and obligations of the reigning Miss America? Right now, for the first time since 1955, there is no broadcast network willing to air the Miss America pageant this September.
ABC, after only attracting 9.8 million viewers last fall, announced that they will not renew their contract to air the pageant. Everybody has been saying that it is an antiquated format, that "The Miss America Pageant is out-of-touch with the America of the 2000s." I believe that the Miss America pageant has more in common with today's programming than most journalists and television executives would like to admit. Miss America was the first reality show. It was the precedent for modern shows, like American Idol, The Bachelor, and Americas Next Top Model.
The delight of pageants is their banality. It is delicious mindless entertainment, much like the Academy Awards, a program that itself has suffered a ratings decline. But do you ever think a network will refuse to air the Oscars? No matter what depth the Academy Award ratings descend to, they will always be on a major network, reflecting Hollywood's overwhelming self-importance.
The lure of the show, is that for every Miss America there are 51 losers. There is a secret delight watching princesses suffer through defeat. The hit reality show The Bachelor is a popular for the same reason. Both men who were once rejected by beauty queens, and women who had their boyfriends stolen, enjoy this part of the pageant. The only thing lacking from the Miss America show, is interviews with the girls who lost, while they are still wrapped up in the raw emotions of defeat. (Come on girls, work that manicure!)
What happened with the Miss America Pageant, is that it got too politically correct. Feminists, who by their nature oppose such displays of femininity, have made the show unwatchable. These political correcktniks tried to make Miss America represent their own virtues of womanhood, versus the conventional ideal. They tried to emphasize achievement, and scholarship. Subsequently, the girls of Miss America are not the bombshell bimbos of past generations; They are a just little too geeky now; more student council, less cheerleader.
They used to ask mindless questions and the girls would force every answer to emphasize their love of America. Now contestants are required to have a platform as if they are running for office. Once chosen, Miss America and the state title holders use their stature to address community service organizations, business and civic leaders, the media and others about their platform issues." For instance, the 2005 Miss America, Deidre Downs, plans to cure childhood cancer.
Also, the talent portion of the show now counts too highly against the final score (30% talent vs. only 10% swimsuit) and subsequently, the finalists now have actual talent as well as intelligence, at the expense of attractiveness. Unfortunately, the girls are neither talented enough to be captivating, nor bad enough to be entertaining. Rather than seeing the baton twirling, clumsy tap dancing, or ventriloquist acts, we are now forced to watch girls play piano somewhat well.
When none of the girls had any real talent, beyond their smile, it was better. The most enjoyable portion of the American Idol series is the auditions. It is a sardonic delight to watch people with absolutely no talent try and fake it. (Heck, I've made a career out of that for twenty five years now.)
Not many people realized that the bathing suit portion was trashed up this last year. I think if people would had known that, viewership would have been up marginally. In the past, the pageant tried to PC the swimsuit portion by taking off the spike heels, and putting the girls in one-pieces. It looked absolutely silly to see the girls flapping across the stage in bare feet -- like a high school swim meet. (I guess it would look sillier to see girls at the beach in spike hells, but hey, this is showbiz.) Hence, America lost interest in the swimsuit portion.
Miss America has always been about pulchritude. It was an opportunity for men to look at some pretty young women (although aside from myself, few straight men will ever admit they ever watched it). While the competition has become a wholesome American treasure, it's roots are far more prurient. The first Miss America title was an outgrowth of the Golden Mermaid competition in Atlantic City. The contest was a ploy to get tourists to spend one more weekend on the Beach after Labor Day, by parading half naked women up and down the boardwalk. It was nothing more than a 1920s version of the beachside wet T-shirt contest.
The pageant has never been without scandal, even in the early years. From their website: "Despite the best efforts of the pageant officials, the pageant gained a reputation for being a little risqué. Annual protests from women's and religious groups questioned the morality of a beauty contest that featured bobbed hair and bare limbs. In 1928, the protesters won, and the pageant was discontinued as commercial supporters withdrew in response to accusations that the pageant lacked decorum. "
The pageant did not go back to it's regular schedule again until 1935.
In modern times, many people think Vanessa Williams was the first woman to disgrace the tittle. She forfeited the crown, after naked photos of her surfaced. But at least twice in the early days of the pageant, winners were disgraced for having posed nude for sculptors. (Henrietta Leaver, Fay Lanphier)
In 1968, Forty years after the first organized protest, the women's liberation movement picketed the pageant. No longer a target of puritan women, it was now protested for it's objectification of the gender and the message it sent to young girls. I believe these protests were responsible for the disastrous direction the pageant took. By trying to appease radical feminists, the Pageantocracy made it unwatchable for the rest of us, and still never satisfied the feminists. I feel, since they are never going to appeal to the feminists, they shouldn't even bother.
Perhaps the women's rights pioneers got the whole thing wrong. It is quite possible that Miss America was never really put on a pedestal for all to admire. I believe that most people watched the show for it's inherent humor; there is great satisfaction knowing that beautiful women are still human and fallible. It is healthy to see goddesses embarrass themselves answering questions above their intelligence level, or dropping a baton, and putting heel marks on 51 other girls on their way to the tiara. Perhaps it will take someone like Donald Trump to give the pageant back to the people who once enjoyed it.

Hail Alanis

Canadian songstress Alanis Morrisette raised her right hand, pledged allegiance to the United States Constitution, and became one of this country's newest immigrants. Alanis is best known for her 1995 album, Little Jagged Pill, a compilation of songs rife with 20 year old femin-angst.
The album contained the hit song Ironic. This song became quite famous in literary circles because nothing in the song actually fit the dictionary definition of "Irony." Most of the song, could be more aptly labeled as "poetic justice" with statements like " a black fly in your chardonnay". In fact in 2002, the American Heritage Collegiate Dictionary added the word "Irony" to their list of 100 Words Every High School Graduate Should Know, in an attempt to protect the integrity of the word. They were aware that Morisette's misuse had influenced children now entering college. In her defense, Alanis later said that she knew that none of the examples were truly ironic, and that was the irony of the song.
During the last election there were a lot of threats made throughout the entertainment industry that celebrities would move to Canada if George Bush was elected. It is strange that these threats were made. In truth, the direction most emigrating celebrities take, is into America from Canada. Comics Jim Carrey and Mike Myers, band leader Paul Shaffer, Super bimbo Pamela Anderson, former Starship Commander William Shatner, and news reader Peter Jennings are all living here now. Meanwhile, Canada-phile Michael Moore still lives in the United States, despite his longing for Canadian style health care and gun control (as well as bacon and doughnuts). The most probable reason for these migration patterns, is the much higher rate of taxation in Canada on people with sizable incomes. What many of them don't understand, is that abhorrence for taxation, is only one facet of the independent and individualist nature that makes America so desirable. It is impossible to shape America into something a little more Canadian, without destroying what makes it unique and preferable. After the election, not a single Democrat American Celebrity defected to Canada. And one Canadian actually came into the country.
Alanis campaigned heavily for the Democrats as part of MTVs "Rock the Vote" tour. There were never any threats of what Alanis might do were Bush elected, however moving out of Canada was never considered by any of her fans. At the Juno Awards for Canadian Music in Edmonton, April 4, 2004, Alanis appeared in a fake nude body suit, and said, "As you may or may not be aware, recently in the United States, I ran into a little problem with regards to a lyric in one my songs, It was requested that I change a word in the first verse. Well, I am overjoyed to be back in my homeland, the true north... strong and censorfree."
I hope Alanis has finally figured out what "Irony" really is, because it would be a shame for one so delicious to be lost on her.