Riding on the City of Minot

I had the pleasure to work Minot last weekend. Minot North Dakota is known as "the Magic City" for after being selected as a junction for the Great Northern Railroad and the Soo Line, the city appeared overnight. It is still a popular stop along the Amtrak route for railroad personnel, because it is about sixteen hours out of Chicago, and there is about a twelve hour layover before the returning train comes into the station. That way, rail employees can work a double, sleep, and work another double on the way home to Chicago.

Airlines, companies that are not wholly subsidized and regulated by the federal government, companies that are committed to customer service, have hubs in cities that people like to visit, like Orlando and Las Vegas. Since Amtrak schedules are the result of pork barrel politics, the trains hub out of places like Minot North Dakota. There is also an Air Force Base there, so federal pork is obviously a favorite local dish.

Minot is a typical prairie town, with a population of 37,000 and is situated just 68 miles south of where Saskatchewan meets Manitoba. There is little to do there that doesn't involve drinking, especially for the men and women stationed at the Minot Air Force Base, so the big hotel in town brings in a couple comedians every week. This weekend, I worked with the lovely and talented Christina Irene. And an old friend, Bengt Washburn, who was performing at Minot State University that evening, stopped by for a cocktail after the show.

I love to do the gig because it's a gas taking the train. In no other form of transportation can you drink in a real bar, as the prairie speeds by your window. If you squint real hard, you can almost see Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint having dinner together.

So I get into Minot, and the North Dakota Library Association is having their annual convention right there a t the hotel where I'm playing. You couldn't pick a town more perfect than Minot, for a whole bunch of out of town Librarians to let their hair down, and get crazy.

After my show, a Canadian librarian from Cape Breton Nova Scotia came over to say "hi". I haven't gotten into a fight with an honest-to-god admitted socialist in quite some time. It was delightful. She was a woman of average height, and average build, and average looks. Every thing about her was incredibly average. She didn't wear make-up, to hide the constellation of freckles, but she looked like she spent great periods of time brushing her red hair repeatedly. I'm sure she believed that her longing to be pretty was just a residual imprint from growing up in a paternalistic society, where aesthetics are the sole measure of a woman's worth.

She told me that Canadian Healthcare is the envy of the world.

I said that it was inferior to the United States and she scoffed. I mentioned the high mortality rate in Quebec hospitals from a virulent form of diarrhea. Some Quebec hospitals cram forty patients at a time into a ward with one toilet, aggravating the infection rate. The bacteria responsible, C. Difficile, can be cured with a simple but expensive antibiotic. Unfortunately, because of the cost, budget conscious Canadian Health Officials use the medication sparingly, exacerbating the problem. She told me I shouldn't be trying to use made up facts with a librarian, because a librarian can easily prove me wrong. (Skeptical readers can verify my story here.)

I should add that there is no other health option in Canada. Single Payer means that everybody shares the same level of Healthcare. Places like the US and UK you have the ability to pay a little extra to opt out of a public hospital, or get into a private room. But if you live in Canada, and are admitted into a ward sharing a bathroom with forty other patients dying of screaming diarrhea, that's where you stay. Happy recovery!

I tried to explain to her that I have better health care, and pay less than she does. Here in the United States, taxes are far more reasonable, and I would speculate that she pays more in taxes than I do for health insurance. She admitted that the area where she lives has an eighteen percent sales tax, but it's worth it cause the health care is free. (Or at least appears that way).

I asked her, "If Canada is such a great place to live, why do people kill themselves so much? (This is one of my favorite statistics I found in researching my American Legislative Exchange Council article, "Is Europe Really Better?"). I mentioned that Canadians kill themselves at a rate 50% more than the US average, and in fact, a Canadian is twice as likely to take his own life as an American is to die from gun violence.

At this point she flipped. How dare I try to pull off such a deception on a LIBRARIAN? Then, she started complaining about America's fascination with guns, and told me that "In Canada, we don't have guns, so we don't have gun violence."

I said, "yeah, besides socialized medicine, you have something else in Canada that we don't have. Something that's quite popular in Canada, called 'home invasions'."

Bengt and Christina, who were half listening up until this point, turned to her and asked "What's a home invasion?"

For those of you who might not be aware of some of the more charming Canadian customs, home invasions are when a burglar waits until someone is home before breaking in. Rather than stumbling around in an empty house, Canadian burglars wait until you come home, so there's some company. It's always more fun to have someone there to smack around, and it's much easier to locate all the hidden valuables. Why go rooting around a dark house when all you have to do is threaten to rape and kill someone's wife and kids? With a little help from the homeowner, those valuables always turn up tut suite.

She admitted that yes, it was quite prevalent throughout the Canadian Provinces, but didn't see the connection between gun ownership and home invasions. "You don't have home invasions here?" she asked. " I don't believe that."

I cited Bengt and Christina's ignorance of the practice as proof of it's rarity in America. Even criminals aren't dumb enough to break into a house when a gun owner might be home.

She said, " I can't believe you keep trying to pass off all these lies on me. There is an Ultra High Speed Internet station set up in the NDLA exhibit hall. I'm going to go online tomorrow and bring you all the actual statistics for all the crazy things you've been saying. You shouldn't try to mess with a librarian.

I never saw her again.