Return of the Bed Monster

Okay, I don't have a lot to say differently than I have before on the topic, but the New York Times wrote another great article on the return of bedbugs to America. They cite the banning of DDT as the cause for the resurgence, and it's a great excuse to re-post my favorite graphic. For more of my opinions on the topic of DDT, you can read my archived posts on malaria or bedbugs.

Pressed and Repressed

I always enjoy performing, but some weeks are just better than others. Whilst life on the road is a continual roller coaster, sometimes the hills are high enough to erase the memory of the valleys, without resorting to traditional over-the-counter amnesia inducements. Great weeks, like the one I recently completed in Minneapolis, are the reasons why I got into this business in the first place.

I engaged in a little civil disobedience the week I was there. Minneapolis recently became one of the newest cities to be attacked by the well moneyed anti-smoking lobby. Several "non-profit" entities like the American Lung Association and the American Cancer Society have been running a multi-million dollar propaganda campaign to convince Minnesotans that second-hand smoke is deadlier than poverty.

Those who draw their extravagant salaries from corporate funded non-profit organizations have little regard for working class people, whose jobs are threatened by smoking bans. Since the passage of the non-smoking ordinance, 37 Minneapolis bars and restaurants have closed their doors forever. This has caused a subsequent wave of unemployment in the hospitality industry, and ripples have been felt throughout the regional economy. I thought it was time someone spoke up for the little guys.

Since I am a performer, I am allowed certain liberties on stage. For instance if smoking is part of a theatrical performance, it cannot be banned without putting the first amendment in jeopardy. I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous, but if the Supreme Court has decided that setting a flag on fire is protected speech, the same constitutional protections must extend to a cigar.

By stretching the extent of the stage (or for those of a theatrical background, expanding the fourth wall into the audience) I was able to allow at least one last smoking show at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis. I would have done it all week, but I have to confess, there was so much smoke in that room Thursday night, that even an old aficionado like myself found the atmosphere quite unbearable.

Thanks to the crack staff at Acme, my little stunt became quite the topic of conversation. Here's an article that the Star Tribune wrote about the event. I also made the 10 O'clock News! Here are clips in MPEG and WMV.

Meanwhile an old friend, Maura Flynn, who is working on a documentary about the smoking bans decided to capture the event. Here's an article about the documentary (registration required).

Smoking Women

Will they stop at nothing? Could they be any more indiscriminate? Rather than going out of business, tobacco companies continue to sell cigarettes, but it gets even worse. According to a recent study from Harvard University's School of Public Health, cigarette manufacturers led a determined effort to sell cigarettes ...to WOMEN!.
This groundbreaking discovery was made after researchers sifted through seven million industry documents made public following the 1998 tobacco settlement. They found that tobacco companies tried to make cigarettes more appealing to women. Alterations of the size, shape, flavor, and packaging were some of the ideas considered. Those of us outside of academia respond with a resounding, "Duh!" Perhaps some researchers need to get out of the library a little more often.
This is an example of a great problem in higher education today: over-specialization. There is such a vast reserve of knowledge within any discipline, that it is nearly impossible for a student to be proficient in more than one. Hence, Marketing is a foreign language to Medical Students. Political Science Majors have no concept of Business or Economics. Statisticians can't get a date.
Remember first that the tobacco industry, despite the negative health aspect, is still a legal industry. It is a big mistake to judge whether a salesperson is decent and upright, based on the morality of their product. We often forget this universal truth: that salespeople are always sleazy. Whether they are selling health insurance, or crack; soliciting donations for a charity, or selling timeshares; the MO of a salesperson is always the same: appealing to your weaker nature in order to earn themselves a generous commission on a transaction.
Fragrances and flavors have long been altered to appeal to the gentler sex. Tab® was the first diet soda produced by the Coca-Cola® company, and I think it was no accident that the color of the can was pink, and the flavor not as bitter as their flagship product, Coke®. Lite beer and wine coolers were made for those who found the taste of regular beer too overwhelming.
Whereas the Harvard study finds that a slimmer cigarette would be associated with a health benefit, it is also possible that it was designed fit more comfortably in a woman's hand. It is for this reason that pink razors are also molded to fit women more ergonomically.
Before WW II, tobacco was almost exclusively a men's product. When women went to work in the factories, they also learned the benefit of nicotine for making the mind alert, and repetitious labor seem a little more tolerable. By the fifties women were smoking in greater numbers than ever before. Cigarette manufacturers seized on this growing demographic by finding ways to pitch cigarettes to women. And it wasn't surreptitious either.
There was nothing more bold than the Virginia Slims® marketing campaign, which capitalized on the new fad that was sweeping the country, called feminism. The ads contrasted the differing societal impressions of women smoking between the 19th and 20th centuries They depicted what used to happen to women when they tried to enjoy a cigarette, and the triumph of finally having a brand of their very own. Women were congratulated on this success with the song, "You've Come a Long Way Baby! (To get where you've got to today! You've got your own cigarette now baby! You've come a long long way!)"
The ad captured the mood of early days of feminism, back when it was still considered cute. I'm quite certain that modern feminists would find the campaign demeaning. Never before in the history of any war, was liberation honored by calling the victors "Baby!" (Who's a big girl now?) If cigarette advertising was still legal, women's protests would have insured this commercial had been pulled decades ago.
Cigarette manufacturers, whose long history of using cowboys and race cars to market their product to one gender, had recognized that the other half of America could enjoy smoking too. But if feminists were really serious about equality, they really should have congratulated the tobacco companies for this appeal to diversity. I believe they should also go after the Harvard School of Public Health, for assuming that women are somehow more susceptible to marketing and advertising. That this study was even conducted, suggests a specific weakness among the female demographic, and a need for concentrated regulation to protect the particularly vulnerable.
Virginia Slims®, though still a popular brand, never quite delivered on the promise of modernity, sophistication, and liberation. In truth, they are the cigarette found most often in mobile home courts, and in raids of meth labs. As is the case with all television marketing, shiny promises of a new utopian life, that can be purchased for just a couple bucks, are rarely kept. Most of us know that, regardless of our gender.

The Real Story of Chicken Little™

ne fine spring day, Chicken Little awoke, and before going out for his morning seed, he looked outside his window. The snow on his roof was melting and the eaves were covered with long dripping icicles.
"Oh my gosh, the Earth is warming," he cried! I must tell someone.
Poor Chicken Little was less than a year old, and nobody ever told him that it got warmer every spring. He got on his motor scooter, and sped off down the road.
Henny Penny was outside pecking at seed. "Henny Penny, the earth is warming," cried Chicken Little! "I saw it! All the snow on my roof is melting!"
"Why, you're right, said Henny Penny." I thought it felt warmer today." Henny Penny was much older than Chicken Little and she could feel the weather in her bones. "We must tell someone!" They both got into Henny Penny's Corvette, and sped off down the road.
They drove down the road until they ran into Turkey Lurkey.
"Turkey Lurkey, the Earth is warming." they cried! "Chicken Little saw it, and Henny Penny felt it in her bones!"
"Nonsense," said Turkey Lurkey. "Why look here at my Turkey thermometer. It's as steady as a rock."
"But maybe it's warming so slow that we can't see it move," said Chicken Little.
"Well then, we'll do a scientific experiment."
He looked at the thermometer. It read 40 degrees. He then put the thermometer under his wing so nobody could see it, and pulled out his pocket watch. "We won't look at it for five minutes, and see if it has changed."
When he took it out from under his wing it was almost 100 degrees. "Oh my," said Turkey Lurkey, "It's warming at such a rapid rate, that it will be a thousand degrees in less than an hour if we don't do something."
So they all got into his Volvo station wagon, and went driving down the road at a very high rate.
They ran into Ducky Lucky. "Ducky Lucky, the Earth is warming," they cried! "Chicken Little saw it, Henny Penny felt it, and Turkey Lurkey proved it with science!"
"Well if we don't do something, we'll surely all be roasted," said Ducky Lucky. "That's what happens when birds get too warm, they all get roasted."
"Whatever will we do," they cried? "None of them had ever been roasted before, but it didn't sound very nice.
"We should tell the King," said Ducky Lucky! "Come on, we can all fit into my truck!" So they climbed into Ducky Lucky's truck and headed towards the palace.
Further down the road they met Foxy Woxy. "Foxy the Earth is warming," they all cried! "Chicken Little saw it, Henny Penny felt it, Turkey Lurkey proved it, and Ducky Lucky is certain that we'll all be roasted."
Foxy Woxy stroked his beard and thought for a while. He leaned his white paw on the hood of Ducky Lucky's truck. It was very warm. He looked at the truck, and looked at the birds and said.
"Why it's probably your cars that are causing the Earth to get warmer. I think you should stop driving right now."
The weren't sure if that made any sense. Foxy Woxy was not a scientist, but he was a recent graduate of the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard. He certainly had a much higher degree than any of them.
They got out of the truck. "But how will we get to see the King?"
"Don't worry about the King," said Foxy Woxy. "I'm good friends with him, I'll talk to him for you." He got into Ducky Lucky's Truck and drove off.
So Ducky Lucky, Turkey Lurkey, Henny Penny and Chicken Little all turned around and walked home. When they got home, they saw that Foxy Woxy had towed away, Turkey Lurkey's Volvo, Henny Penny's Corvette, And Chicken Little's Motor Scooter. "As long as it stops the Earth from warming" they all agreed.
The next day, there was a knock at Chicken Little's door. It was Foxy Woxy. "The King said that your wood stove is causing the Earth to get warmer too. He assigned me to gather up all your firewood to save us all from roasting."
"But what if it gets cold again," asked Chicken Little? "Certainly it is better to roast than to freeze."
But Foxy Woxy wouldn't hear of it. He gathered up all Chicken Little's firewood, and threw it into the back of Ducky Lucky's truck, which now had "Foxy, Woxy, and Associates" painted on the door. He drove on down the road and took all the firewood from Ducky Lucky, and Henny Penny, and Turkey Lurkey, as well. They wanted to ask if it was really on orders from the King, but because they now had no cars, they couldn't go anywhere. Still they agreed, it was better than roasting.
That night, there was a blizzard, and Ducky Lucky, Turkey Lurkey, Henny Penny, and Chicken Little all froze to death. The next morning, Foxy Woxy loaded them all into Ducky Lucky's truck, which had a new sign painted on the door, "Foxy, Woxy, and Associates. Purveyors of Firewood and Frozen Poultry."
And they ended up getting roasted after all.

© 2005 Tim Slagle

Guest Post

Hey, Slagle.

I saw your web page, and enjoyed the article on Europe. I have been living in Europe for a few months, and will be here for the next several years.

Please don't quote me by name, but I feel compelled to confide in you a secret about the national health care in much of Europe.

The truth is, in Denmark, Finland, and probably much of the rest of Europe, everyone pays for health care out of pocket at a private doctor's office. I swear I'm not making this up. There is the official national health care system,which people go to if they don't have any sort of urgent need and don't care too much about whom they see, and then there is the private system, whichis unmolested and functions well.

During a vacation in Denmark a few years ago, my wife needed to see a doctor. Our hotel immediately called a private doctor -- they could hardly contain themselves when we asked about the public ones -- and arranged a house call to our hotel room. The doctor showed up, met her for maybe an hour, and charged on the order of $50. We met him again a couple days later for a follow-up visit in his office, seeing only him -- no army of LPNs, nurse practitioners, and medical assistants-- and spent maybe another hour with him, at a cost of around $40. In nearby Finland, the private doctors operate 24/7, at least in Helsinki, and are within pretty much everyone's budget.

The great socialized medicine experiment in Europe is completely different from the single-payer system touted in the US, or the ban on private medicine in Canada. It is, at least in Denmark and Finland, the old US system: some free public clinics, and otherwise an unfettered capitalistic private system. And it seems to function well, except for the free public clinics. The contrast with the United States is not that the system is more socialistic, but that it is less so. They can treat you for something even if they can't decide on what the proper diagnostic code is, and they can tell you how much it will cost to see the doctor before you have actually seen the doctor, without giving you a stack of forms to fill out first. There are no obscure regulatory requirements to make sure that they aren't scamming Medicare.

The next time you hear someone talk about the free health care in Europe, you might suggest a first-hand look. Americans can get to Denmark and Finland fairly cheaply, too, especially if they fly Iceland Air, which incidentally is privately held and relatively unmolested, and one of the few commercially successful airlines, no doubt thanks to the pro-market government that has ruled in Iceland for the past 16 years.

2005: A Space Bureaucracy

In the aftermath, of Katrina, there is a rainbow. When the sky cleared, NASA found a wonderful new excuse. According to USA Today, "The space shuttle may not fly until late 2006 at the earliest because of technical problems and the devastation of key shuttle facilities by Hurricane Katrina,"
In reality though, according to shuttle program manager Wayne Hale, there probably wasn't going to be a flight before March of 2006 because of problems on the recent Discovery flight; and the target date was probably closer to May anyway.
Once the pride of a great nation, the space program has descended into tragic comedy, and NASA is a shadow of its former glory. This past July, the Shuttle flew for the first time since 2003, when the Columbia exploded on re-entry. The program had been grounded for two and a half years, trying to correct the problem of a new environmentally-friendly insulation foam, that tends to come loose on liftoff.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out this most recent mission of the Discovery. There seemed to be no purpose, other than seeing if they could launch it without losing any foam or tiles (they didn't). Most of the mission was spent searching the body of the spacecraft, looking for damage. If they're going to have to do this every time they launch, there's not going to be a lot of time left for any real space work. It's almost as if you had taken your car to the mechanic, and said, "I have a problem with the wheels loosening at expressway speeds," and rather than tighten them, the mechanic installs four video cameras so you can see if they start falling off while your driving.
The shuttle design is now thirty years old, and its safety record makes a Ford Pinto look like an armored car. One third of all Shuttles built have ultimately failed to bring all the passengers home. While only 1.75% of all shuttle flights ended disastrously, If the domestic airline industry had a similar safety record, there would be roughly 20 plane crashes an hour in this country.
I think that sometimes it's better just to scrap a vehicle, than to keep trying to fix it. This is a voice of experience, from someone who has spent a lot of time cursing underneath a rustbucket. While I hold no degree in astrophysics, I have left knuckle skin on many hopeless vehicles, and have drank more repair shop coffee, than most auto service managers. My advice is this: when a car gets old enough to legally drive itself, it's not worth spending money on anything more than gas and wiper fluid.
Just put the age of the Shuttle into perspective: when the first shuttle, the Enterprise, rolled out onto the tarmac, Star Trek heart-throb William Shatner was only 45 years old, and had most recently appeared in a Columbo episode. The first actual shuttle flight was Columbia in April of 1981, while TJ Hooker was in pre-production, which makes it roughly as old as the Chrysler K-Car. Could you ever imagine anybody putting a dime into fixing a K-car today? Only in a overgrown bureaucracy like NASA, would such an expenditure seem logical and reasonable. It's time to call the wrecker, and make a trip to the dealership.

Wrath of Katrina

And God looked down on the wicked people of New Orleans, and it displeased him greatly. This once devout city, had become a portal to perdition. Where there was once churches teeming with the faithful, there was now drinking and debauchery, Voodoo and Girls Gone Wild. He sent a Hurricane to open the levees, and a deluge enveloped the streets, so that the sinful could walk them no more. Just like Babylon, Sodom, and Gomorra, the wrath of God destroyed an entire city for the sins of her people.
I know this sounds silly, and outside of a handful of religious zealots, this kind of talk is considered hateful and ignorant. But there is a group of people who are saying the same thing: that Katrina was the result of men turning their back from God, and engaging in excess.
The clouds had barely parted before Leftists rushed to blame human activity for Katrina. On August 30, while the flood waters were just beginning to rise, Ross Gelbspan of the Boston Globe said, "The hurricane that struck Louisiana and Mississippi on Monday was nicknamed Katrina by the National Weather Service. Its real name is global warming."
Many environmentalists blame the United States refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocol, for the global warming that supposedly led to this storm. The Kyoto Accord was short sighted, and would have been ineffective even if the United States had signed it. Ten years later it makes about as much sense to sign on to Kyoto as it would to write a cough syrup prescription for Nicole Brown Simpson.
When the Kyoto Accord was drafted, China was considered a developing nation, and exempted from the treaty. Today, China is the world's second largest consumer of fossil fuel, and they release trainloads of CO2 daily. If Kyoto were signed, most American manufacturing would have eventually moved there, in search of cheaper energy, so that net CO2 emissions would be unchanged from where they are today. Meanwhile, the American economy would have been devastated. Since the treaty would have done little or nothing to lower the CO2 levels in the atmosphere, but great damage to the American economy, then certainly Kyoto supporters must think the American economy is solely to blame for Global Warming.Such is the conclusion you must come to, If you listen to the rants of the Left.
On August 29, Twitching heroin addict Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said in a blog post: "As Hurricane Katrina dismantles Mississippi’s Gulf Coast, it’s worth recalling the central role that Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour played in derailing the Kyoto Protocol and kiboshing President Bush’s iron-clad campaign promise to regulate CO2."
He also thinks that his knowledge is based on science, rather than nervous paranoid delusions. He said , "Well, the science is clear. This month, a study published in the journal Nature by a renowned MIT climatologist linked the increasing prevalence of destructive hurricanes to human-induced global warming."
But the science is not clear. I wonder if he even read the article he cites. A quick perusal of that Nature article in ques tion, written by Kerry Emanuel, a professor of atmospheric science at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, indicates that Bobby Junior, is as adverse to intellectual curiosity, as his uncle Teddy was to swimming underwater. It turns out that Kerry Emanu el believes that there has been no increase in the "prevalence of hurricanes." From the article:
"Global climate model predictions of the influence of global warming on storm frequency are highly inconsistent, and there is no detectable trend in the global annual frequency of tropical cyclones in historical tropical cyclone data."
In fact, Kerry Emanuel seems a little uncomfortable being cited as proof linking Katrina to global warming. In a recent Salon article he said:
"Not that many hurricanes get that powerful, but we've had hurricanes like Katrina before," he said. "Camille was about the same strength. Andrew was about the same strength. Katrina was just unfortunate, because it happened to hit a very densely populated area."
Other hurricane experts concur; Dr. Chris Landsea, of NOAA; the nations foremost expert on Hurricanes said in his resignation letter to the IPCC: : "All previous and current research in the area of hurricane variability has shown no reliable, long-term trend up in the frequency or intensity of tropical cyclones, either in the Atlantic or any other basin."
In the August 30 New York Times, Dr. William M. Gray, a professor of atmospheric science at Colorado State University said recent hurricane activity, "is very much natural"
Apparently, the belief that hurricanes are the result of global warming is based on nothing more than faith, or in other words, "religion." Most of the Left believes that nature is avenging man's habit of indiscriminate pollution. It's a story as old a religion itself: Zeus gets angry for Prometheus stealing fire, Yahweh is mad that Eve bit the apple, and RFK Jr. is mad that commoners are riding around in limousines nowadays.
It is not your standard biblical sins that caused this cataclysm, but the sin of consumption. It wasn't fornication and bacchanalia that brought the wr ath of the goddess, but the modern sins of SUVs and air-conditioning, eating at Mc Donalds and shopping at Wal Mart. Yes, the All American lifestyle created this storm.
It's time to place the Environmental Apocalysts, into category of disdain , with bible salesmen, snake oil merchants, and charlatans.

He's so cold.

Mick Jagger, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant decades after his star has set, has decided to release a song bashing President Bush. Advance press on the upcoming song , Sweet Neo-Con suggests that it's going to be an aggressive political statement, from a man whose political preferences are in right in tune with the AARP.

Perhaps that's why Mick is upset with the current Administration. Maybe he's a little upset that Social Security Privatization will hurt all his fans, and if Medicare gets cut, they'll be forced to decide between prescription medicine and a new Rolling Stones record.

I used to like the Rolling Stones. I also used to like the Beatles, Lesley Gore and the Monkees. I even liked the Beach Boys, who aren't much older than the Rolling Stones, but are treated that way.

In reality, the Rolling Stones are now an Oldies act. I defy anyone who claims to be a fan, to sing any one of their songs from the last ten or twenty years. They haven't had a hit album since Tattoo You was released way back in 1980. At least the Beach Boys were on the charts as recently as 1988 with Kokomo.

Even though Rolling Stones fans are all bald and sagging, Mick Jagger looks better than he did forty years ago. Despite the fact that he is roughly the same age (62) as Beach Boy, Mike Love (64); or pop icon, Neil Diamond (also 64), he seems a lot younger. His plastic surgeons should be proud.

In a way, Mick Jagger has become a reverse Dorian Gray for the Baby Boomers. While they grow older, he remains an ageless icon: a skeletal osteopyhrrotic vessel for the spirit of the sixties. It is how the Boomers still imagine themselves, youthful and sassy, despite twice passing the age they weren't supposed to trust anyone beyond. Sure there are IRAs, and doctor appointments to deal with, but as long as Mick can still do the rooster dance, the sixties are alive. Thank God for hip replacement surgery.

It is that obsession with the sixties that makes this incident a newsworthy story in the first place. Did anybody ask whether Benny Goodman was opposed to the war in Vietnam back in 1971? Of course not. Back then, a musician thirty years past his prime was ignored by the press. The reporters of the day, knew that a 62 year old man, could only be counted on, to repeat the politics of the previous generation, a reflection of ideas from a time long past, opinions that were no longer relevant in the modern world.

I wish that today's media were half as wise.

Holding the Bag

Are they on pot? I've got my copy of the Constitution right in front of me, and it looks pretty straightforward, but the Supreme Court finds it rather foggy. The tenth amendment clearly states: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

Which means that if the Constitution doesn't say Congress can do something, it can't. Can Congress pass a law requiring everyone to wear a funny hat? No. Because regulation of hats is not one of the powers granted to Congress. Mind you, the States are perfectly capable of a funny hat mandate, since they have second crack at rights infringement. That's why a lot of States have passed helmet ordinances for kids on bikes and skateboards.

Since drug traffic is usually across state lines and national borders, they can pass drug laws. The Commerce clause of the Constitution says Congress can: "...regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes." Which means they could pass a law to make damn sure that Hootie and the Blowfish never performs at another Bingo Casino again. (Call your congressman today!) But that's it. Anything outside of border traffic and Indian trading is off limits to Congress.

Alcohol Prohibition required a Constitutional amendment to go into effect. Back then, everyone understood the limited powers of the Federal government. If fine Milwaukee Beer was brewed with grain grown in Wisconsin, and drank copiously at a Wisconsin Supper Club, alongside a fillet of fresh Wisconsin walleye, it was only subject to Wisconsin law. The Federal Government had no jurisdiction there, and could not pass a law prohibiting such activities.

California Medicinal Marijuana advocates knew this, and acted entirely within California State law. When they handed out pot to cancer patients, they made certain that it was being grown inside of California, and it was being given out for free. They assumed that without money changing hands, it couldn't be called "commerce," and without crossing state lines it couldn't be considered to be "among several states." Imagine their surprise when they were busted by Federal agents.

Believing in the literal interpretation of the Constitution, marijuana patients Diane Monson and Angel Raich fought all the way to the Supreme Court, that those DEA agents were out of their jurisdiction. How wrong they were. The Supreme court just issued a 6 to 3 decision that California's Medical Marijuana act is overruled by the Federal Controlled Substances Act.

Justice Stevens found a loophole. Because giving away free pot in California might affect the price of a bag of Iowa Ditch Weed, it is affecting commerce between the states. Therefore Congress had a right to regulate it. From his opinion: "...the regulation is squarely within Congress commerce power because production of the commodity meant for home consumption, be it wheat or marijuana, has a substantial effect on supply and demand in the national market for that commodity"

Even the four Liberal Justices, who are normally more sympathetic to things like free pot and sick people concurred with this decision, because Liberals believe in the ultimate authority of the Federal government, and the ability of Congress to write just about any laws it damn well pleases. (As long as it doesn't affect abortion or gay marriage).

Which is why the ramifications of this decision go way beyond pot. Congress can now write any law, as long as it can find an economic implication. As Clarence Thomas said in his dissenting opinion: If Congress can regulate this under the Commerce Clause, then it can regulate virtually anything and the Federal Government is no longer one of limited and enumerated powers." For instance, this decision clears the way for any Funny Hat Bill that Congress proposes, since wearing hats in Washington, would affect the price of Propecia® in Pittsburgh.


How is this possible? Nothing seems more natural than growing something in your own back yard, and baking it into brownies that you can eat with a glass of cold milk when you're not feeling so good. Certainly this is not an activity that requires the intervention of the greatest superpower on Earth. As Clarence Thomas said in his dissenting opinion, "In the early days of the Republic, it would have been unthinkable that Congress could prohibit the local cultivation, possession, and consumption of marijuana." Our Founders, who were well aware of the danger of a big government made certain that it would have severely limited powers. If you're creating monster, it's best to build a good strong cage first.

Yet, Clarence Thomas has been tarred by the Left as an "extremist." He has been held up as an example of the kind of judge that would be appointed if the filibuster on judicial nominees were broken. From Aflcio.org: " [Janice Rogers ] Brown “has such an atrocious civil rights record, she makes Clarence Thomas look like Thurgood Marshall,” says Rep. Diane Watson (D-Calif.), comparing Thomas, one of the U.S. Supreme Court’s most extreme conservative justices, with the late former Justice Marshall, who is widely regarded as one of the most influential civil rights figures of the 20th century."

If ever there was a case for eliminating those filibusters, this is certainly it. I also think this is a strong case for only appointing judges who believe in a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I congratulate Clarence Thomas on a well written dissenting opinion, admire his dedication to principals, an wish him a long career on the Supreme Court. I also fervently hope he soon finds more kindred spirits on the bench beside him.

Eight More Years?

I was wondering why Laura Bush was touring the Mideast last week. It was a little out of character for her, she had been hiding in the background until now. I couldn't help but wonder if the GOP had a dark-horse, secret weapon up their sleeve for 2008-- a pretty little teacher from Texas with a 75% approval rating.

I thought it would be really funny, because the Democrats couldn't say that she had no political experience outside of sleeping with the president, and that the GOP was just using her as a way for the president to skirt the term limit and get an additional eight years. Not if they were running Hillary, they couldn't.

Now it seems that the feelers are out. In a Reuters article today, both the Cheneys have indicated that it was on their minds, which means it is probably being considered.

Chew Chew Train

Imagine if Jeffrey Dahmer had been paroled, became the US ambassador to the United Nations and eventually brought peace to the Mideast. According to the legend, Chief Hiawatha was a Native-American cannibal, who later reformed, and led the nations of the Mohawks, Oneidas, Onondagas, Cayugas, and Senecas to live in peace as the Five Nations of the Iroquois. It's a peculiar story if you think about it in modern terms.

It makes me wonder, if it really is possible for a cannibal to reform himself. I always thought cannibalism was a one way trip. Dinner always stops where the hand of the waitress begins.There is a very distinct line between a meal and a psychopathic criminal act, and once that border is crossed, it seems impossible to ever return to a normal life.

I wouldn't want to live next door to a recently paroled cannibal, and I think I might be pretty nervous if I did. I would always be imagining there was somebody sneaking up behind me. If you really develop a taste for your neighbors, can you ever look at them the same way again? Or do you often imagine them looking like giant hams and turkeys out watering the lawn and raking leaves, the way characters sometimes do in the Bugs Bunny cartoons?

I can't see a cannibal ever leading a normal life again. If you are a single woman, how you would feel if a guy you had been out on a couple dates with, confessed over drinks that he had spent some time in prison for cannibalism. I'm pretty sure that would be the last date, but if it wasn't I don't think you'd ever want to spend any time alone with him.

What got me thinking about this, is that the Minneapolis Light Rail System is getting close to its one year anniversary, and it is named the Hiawatha. Quite appropriate, to name the new light rail after a cannibal, since the line cannibalized more than 700 million dollars of Minnesota gas tax and licensing fees, that should have been spent more wisely fixing potholes and building new overpasses.

So much money was cannibalized from the Minnesota transportation budget that while I was there, the Democrat controlled State Senate passed a 10 cent a gallon gas tax, earmarked for road construction. (It was subsequently vetoed by the Republican governor.)

God love those Minnesota Democrats. (In Minnesota, they actually call themselves DFL for the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party). Where else would anybody try to raise the price of gas while everybody is complaining about paying two and a quarter a gallon? Heck, back in 2000 even Al Gore was smart enough to scrap his plans to raise gas prices (see: Earth in the Balance, pg. 349) after he saw how ornery Americans got when it rose to only a buck fifty. Quote: "I hope the prices come down quickly, and I'm going to make sure they do."

The train was built with the promises of saving energy, relieving congestion, and looking really cool. They were successful on one promise, it does look cool. The trains are new and shiny and yellow, they look more like amusement park rides than urban transit. I hopped on one, and took a ride down to the Mall of America.

I originally paid $1.75 to get on the train, but after I got my ticket, I noticed that it was quite unnecessary. Whereas most urban transit has some form of turnstile that you have to put a token or a magnetic striped card through before passing onto the train, the Hiawatha does not. In typical Minnesota fashion, they just trust that you will buy a ticket before you get on the train. They claim that occasionally a ticket inspector will get on a train and ask to see a valid ticket, but in an entire afternoon of riding the rail back and forth, I never saw a single inspector. I think a lot of the riders have figured this out as well, because the only people I ever saw buying tickets were the Japanese tourists. It's this kind of trusting nature that helped Minnesota farmers survive together through long cold 19th century winters, and built a generous social welfare program that attracted indigents from all over the country.

I'm not certain why they didn't design a payment verification system into the train. Certainly if this were a private enterprise, with stockholders demanding a return on their 700 million dollar investment, there would be. 700 million is roughly the value of forty fully stocked K-Mart stores. Could you ever imagine a CEO building forty K-Mart stores, and forgetting to install the cash registers?

Perhaps the reason for the oversight is because it is a surface train, and building fences around the stations would have been unsightly in the downtown landscape. Or perhaps, there were two different bureaucratic agencies designing the system, and the people building the trains thought there would be turnstiles, like in a subway; and the people building the stations thought there would be cash machines on the trains, like on streetcars and busses. Most likely, they originally planned to have conductors on all the trains, but figured out later that would cost more in payroll, than the revenue they would be taking in.

Because the trains were quite empty. Even during rush hour, I only counted about 60 rides per train, which was built for 372. When I got to the Mall I noticed there were more people on the roller coaster at Camp Snoopy, than there were on the Hiawatha. Even if the rush hour pace continued throughout the day, it would still fall 20% short of the projected ridership of 19.000 for 2005.

I originally thought that the ridership was up slightly during rush hour because the southbound trains looked fuller. Instead of the usual ten to twelve passengers, It was more like thirty . I then noticed they had reconfigured the train slightly. During the day, most of the trains were two-car trains. During rush hour, all the trains were switched to one-car trains forcing more passengers into each car. I found out later that the project went so over budget (300 million), that they couldn't afford to buy enough cars to keep two-car trains on the rush hour schedule. By splitting each two-car train, into two one-car trains, they were able to provide enough trains to cover the schedule. It really doesn't seem to make sense, because there are the same amount of cars during rush hour as the rest of the day, they just come more often. Instead of two cars coming by every fifteen minutes, one car comes by every seven and one half minutes. It reminds me of the old joke where a moron orders a twelve inch pizza, and asks that it only be cut into four pieces, because he doesn't think he can eat six.

I don't know how running a nearly empty train back and forth across the city all day is supposed to save energy, but there was even a worse renege on the congestion promise. Since the trains run on surface rails, automobile traffic has to stop every time they come by. Since they run a lot of trains (about 256 per day) this causes traffic to back up. Especially during rush hour, when a train crosses from either direction about every three minutes. I tried to count all the irritated motorists at each crossing; there were usually more automobiles waiting, than there were people on the train. Hence, there is more congestion now, than before the train was built. Curiously, Hiawatha means "River Maker," and rivers are always tough to cross without a bridge.

Perhaps these problems, are just because the train is new. It is possible that bugs will get worked out, and the Hiawatha Line will become a viable mass transit system. Someday, it might even turn a profit. But even if there are eight thousand paid fares per day, it will still require a county and state contribution of over 10 million dollars per year just to keep the trains running. Can a cannibal ever really reform?

Good for ME!

Here it is again. Another story about how America is slipping back towards a third world lifestyle, now that DDT has been eliminated. Bedbugs are making a comeback, and not just in sleazy hotels.

from Reuters: "Although common in many countries, bed bugs were all but eliminated in America in the late 1940s and 1950s when the insecticide DDT was used to rid infestations in hotels, houses and boarding rooms."

Due to the transient nature of the comedy business, I travel a lot, and have spent countless nights on strange beds courtesy of the hospitality industry. Having been bitten by bed bugs at a hotel that shall remain nameless (only to protect my reputation-- I refuse to publicly admit that I ever stayed in a less-than-five-star establishment) I can assure you that DDT exposure is far less annoying than little bloodsucking insects crawling all over you in the middle of the night.

For those of you who are skeptical, and are certain that there must be something equally effective at controlling bed bugs, but less dangerous: Let me point out that any substance capable of killing insects is still going to have a big scary chemical name. Why look for something else, when we know that the old reliable is highly effective? It is probably your dirty chemo-phobic hippie lifestyle that brought the bedbugs into these hotels in the first place.

Sunshine Day

So I'm having my morning coffee, and reading the Drudge Report®, when I stumble across this article from Nature. According to two reports published in Science there has been more sunshine in the past ten years than there was fifty years ago. It would seem that the air has gotten so much cleaner since the fall of Communism, that there is a measurable amount of increased sunlight reaching the earth. Because antiquated manufacturing facilities in the Eastern Bloc have been closed, or brought up to Western standards, there is less pollution in the atmosphere worldwide. Not only does that mean the air we breathe is cleaner, it is more transparent. Sunny days are measurably brighter. The Journal Nature, whose reputation is always seeing the beaker as half empty, concluded that the extra sunshine will exacerbate global warming.
I have two thoughts on the topic. First of all, I am mystified how anybody can find fault in more sunshine. (I've always enjoyed it, and most people plan their vacations around pursuit of it.) Environmentalists continually complain about man's influence on the planet, and how we should strive to leave lighter footprints. This is probably the first time that reverting back to a more natural state is considered a problem. Perhaps the scientists over at Nature think that Communism is the natural state of Eastern Europe.
Secondly, I am mystified by the remark in the article by Andreas Macke, a meteorologist at the Leibniz Institute of Marine Sciences in Kiel, Germany, "It is clear that the greenhouse effect has been partly masked in the past by air pollution." In other words, global warming would have been a lot worse by now, had the pollution not been shading us.
Here's the strange part: It wasn't until now that climate science has been aware of the effect, which means it wasn't included in the models that climatologists rely on to predict global warming. Martin Wild, an atmospheric scientist at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich said that "The widespread brightening has remained unnoticed until now simply because there wasn't enough data for a statistically significant analysis." But yet we are told the climate models predicting a warming earth were severely accurate.
Perhaps I'm just not well trained in the ways of science, but it would seem to me, that cannot be true. If the models were incomplete, they should have been spitting out the wrong numbers for the past ten years and the earth should have been getting warmer at a rate higher than the predictions. But scientists have denied this, they've been saying their models are deadly accurate. So If the model predictions directly correspond to observations, and the additional sunlight was never taken into account, it means the models have been wrong. Either way, the result is the same; climatology is a very hypothetical science, still in its adolescence. Also note, this proves another speculation I've always held, that atmospheric scientists have a tendency to look on the darker side of things, and always err on the side of apocalypse. Remember that the next time you hear somebody suggest Americans were foolish to ignore the Kyoto Accord.

I don't want this should scare ya*

As the zephyrs gently warm the grounds around the Slagle compound my thoughts drift off to summer. Even though global warming has purportedly made winters milder of late, they still seem insufferably long. I can't wait to string the patio lights, and put the cushions on the chaise. How I long for the delicious smells of fresh cut lawn and barbecued meat, chlorine pools and citronella candles. I eagerly anticipate the sounds of fireworks and bug zappers.

Unfortunately, this romance usually fades as the temperature and humidity climbs. When the season finally arrives, I'm forced indoors by the prodigious amount of mosquitoes that this part of the continent has become accustomed to. It's probably not coincidental that there are several wetland restoration projects in and around my neighborhood.

It's more than a nuisance as well. You read in the paper all the time about mosquito borne Third World diseases like West Nile. According to many reports, even cases malaria are being recorded in the United States. This knowledge makes the flight from the patio more than a dash to the comfortable side of the screen door, it is a literal race for life.

Malaria in the United States is rare today, but not unique. Captain John Smith, whose life was twice spared by Pocahontas, eventually succumbed to malaria. It seems strange that something we call a "tropical" disease existed as far north as Jamestown Virginia. Actually, before WWII, malaria was common here. The government recorded over 120,000 cases in 1934.

We drained the swamps and invented DDT, and by the time I was born, malaria was nearly eradicated in the United States. Since my youth, we banned DDT, renamed the swamps, "Wetlands," and rebuilt them. Since then, malaria has also made a resurgence.

Throughout the environmental cabal it's Global Warming causing the new incidents of malarial infection. Since DDT bans and wetlands restoration were pet causes for the previous generation of enviro-hippies, I'm quite certain that they are looking for any culprit other than themselves.

Fortunately, I don't think it's anything that can't be remedied with a little swamp draining and a couple shakes of DDT. Let's hope we come to our senses, before we regress much further, and give me back my patio.

* Alan Sherman
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There She Is

If Miss America is crowned, and there's nobody watching, does she still get to fulfill the duties and obligations of the reigning Miss America? Right now, for the first time since 1955, there is no broadcast network willing to air the Miss America pageant this September.
ABC, after only attracting 9.8 million viewers last fall, announced that they will not renew their contract to air the pageant. Everybody has been saying that it is an antiquated format, that "The Miss America Pageant is out-of-touch with the America of the 2000s." I believe that the Miss America pageant has more in common with today's programming than most journalists and television executives would like to admit. Miss America was the first reality show. It was the precedent for modern shows, like American Idol, The Bachelor, and Americas Next Top Model.
The delight of pageants is their banality. It is delicious mindless entertainment, much like the Academy Awards, a program that itself has suffered a ratings decline. But do you ever think a network will refuse to air the Oscars? No matter what depth the Academy Award ratings descend to, they will always be on a major network, reflecting Hollywood's overwhelming self-importance.
The lure of the show, is that for every Miss America there are 51 losers. There is a secret delight watching princesses suffer through defeat. The hit reality show The Bachelor is a popular for the same reason. Both men who were once rejected by beauty queens, and women who had their boyfriends stolen, enjoy this part of the pageant. The only thing lacking from the Miss America show, is interviews with the girls who lost, while they are still wrapped up in the raw emotions of defeat. (Come on girls, work that manicure!)
What happened with the Miss America Pageant, is that it got too politically correct. Feminists, who by their nature oppose such displays of femininity, have made the show unwatchable. These political correcktniks tried to make Miss America represent their own virtues of womanhood, versus the conventional ideal. They tried to emphasize achievement, and scholarship. Subsequently, the girls of Miss America are not the bombshell bimbos of past generations; They are a just little too geeky now; more student council, less cheerleader.
They used to ask mindless questions and the girls would force every answer to emphasize their love of America. Now contestants are required to have a platform as if they are running for office. Once chosen, Miss America and the state title holders use their stature to address community service organizations, business and civic leaders, the media and others about their platform issues." For instance, the 2005 Miss America, Deidre Downs, plans to cure childhood cancer.
Also, the talent portion of the show now counts too highly against the final score (30% talent vs. only 10% swimsuit) and subsequently, the finalists now have actual talent as well as intelligence, at the expense of attractiveness. Unfortunately, the girls are neither talented enough to be captivating, nor bad enough to be entertaining. Rather than seeing the baton twirling, clumsy tap dancing, or ventriloquist acts, we are now forced to watch girls play piano somewhat well.
When none of the girls had any real talent, beyond their smile, it was better. The most enjoyable portion of the American Idol series is the auditions. It is a sardonic delight to watch people with absolutely no talent try and fake it. (Heck, I've made a career out of that for twenty five years now.)
Not many people realized that the bathing suit portion was trashed up this last year. I think if people would had known that, viewership would have been up marginally. In the past, the pageant tried to PC the swimsuit portion by taking off the spike heels, and putting the girls in one-pieces. It looked absolutely silly to see the girls flapping across the stage in bare feet -- like a high school swim meet. (I guess it would look sillier to see girls at the beach in spike hells, but hey, this is showbiz.) Hence, America lost interest in the swimsuit portion.
Miss America has always been about pulchritude. It was an opportunity for men to look at some pretty young women (although aside from myself, few straight men will ever admit they ever watched it). While the competition has become a wholesome American treasure, it's roots are far more prurient. The first Miss America title was an outgrowth of the Golden Mermaid competition in Atlantic City. The contest was a ploy to get tourists to spend one more weekend on the Beach after Labor Day, by parading half naked women up and down the boardwalk. It was nothing more than a 1920s version of the beachside wet T-shirt contest.
The pageant has never been without scandal, even in the early years. From their website: "Despite the best efforts of the pageant officials, the pageant gained a reputation for being a little risqué. Annual protests from women's and religious groups questioned the morality of a beauty contest that featured bobbed hair and bare limbs. In 1928, the protesters won, and the pageant was discontinued as commercial supporters withdrew in response to accusations that the pageant lacked decorum. "
The pageant did not go back to it's regular schedule again until 1935.
In modern times, many people think Vanessa Williams was the first woman to disgrace the tittle. She forfeited the crown, after naked photos of her surfaced. But at least twice in the early days of the pageant, winners were disgraced for having posed nude for sculptors. (Henrietta Leaver, Fay Lanphier)
In 1968, Forty years after the first organized protest, the women's liberation movement picketed the pageant. No longer a target of puritan women, it was now protested for it's objectification of the gender and the message it sent to young girls. I believe these protests were responsible for the disastrous direction the pageant took. By trying to appease radical feminists, the Pageantocracy made it unwatchable for the rest of us, and still never satisfied the feminists. I feel, since they are never going to appeal to the feminists, they shouldn't even bother.
Perhaps the women's rights pioneers got the whole thing wrong. It is quite possible that Miss America was never really put on a pedestal for all to admire. I believe that most people watched the show for it's inherent humor; there is great satisfaction knowing that beautiful women are still human and fallible. It is healthy to see goddesses embarrass themselves answering questions above their intelligence level, or dropping a baton, and putting heel marks on 51 other girls on their way to the tiara. Perhaps it will take someone like Donald Trump to give the pageant back to the people who once enjoyed it.

Hail Alanis

Canadian songstress Alanis Morrisette raised her right hand, pledged allegiance to the United States Constitution, and became one of this country's newest immigrants. Alanis is best known for her 1995 album, Little Jagged Pill, a compilation of songs rife with 20 year old femin-angst.
The album contained the hit song Ironic. This song became quite famous in literary circles because nothing in the song actually fit the dictionary definition of "Irony." Most of the song, could be more aptly labeled as "poetic justice" with statements like " a black fly in your chardonnay". In fact in 2002, the American Heritage Collegiate Dictionary added the word "Irony" to their list of 100 Words Every High School Graduate Should Know, in an attempt to protect the integrity of the word. They were aware that Morisette's misuse had influenced children now entering college. In her defense, Alanis later said that she knew that none of the examples were truly ironic, and that was the irony of the song.
During the last election there were a lot of threats made throughout the entertainment industry that celebrities would move to Canada if George Bush was elected. It is strange that these threats were made. In truth, the direction most emigrating celebrities take, is into America from Canada. Comics Jim Carrey and Mike Myers, band leader Paul Shaffer, Super bimbo Pamela Anderson, former Starship Commander William Shatner, and news reader Peter Jennings are all living here now. Meanwhile, Canada-phile Michael Moore still lives in the United States, despite his longing for Canadian style health care and gun control (as well as bacon and doughnuts). The most probable reason for these migration patterns, is the much higher rate of taxation in Canada on people with sizable incomes. What many of them don't understand, is that abhorrence for taxation, is only one facet of the independent and individualist nature that makes America so desirable. It is impossible to shape America into something a little more Canadian, without destroying what makes it unique and preferable. After the election, not a single Democrat American Celebrity defected to Canada. And one Canadian actually came into the country.
Alanis campaigned heavily for the Democrats as part of MTVs "Rock the Vote" tour. There were never any threats of what Alanis might do were Bush elected, however moving out of Canada was never considered by any of her fans. At the Juno Awards for Canadian Music in Edmonton, April 4, 2004, Alanis appeared in a fake nude body suit, and said, "As you may or may not be aware, recently in the United States, I ran into a little problem with regards to a lyric in one my songs, It was requested that I change a word in the first verse. Well, I am overjoyed to be back in my homeland, the true north... strong and censorfree."
I hope Alanis has finally figured out what "Irony" really is, because it would be a shame for one so delicious to be lost on her.